Test Test…

More thoughts…about well…thoughts.

So, I forgot to parlay this last night when I was scribbling the post down and here we go you’ve lucked out and there’s two posts in a row.

I had a great conversation with a girlfriend the other day. It was odd because I didn’t want her to think that I was being overbearing but it came down to talking about her dating life. She started telling me of how she’s given up on marriage and doing okay with being alone. I didn’t quite understand why she had dismissed meeting people online.

It’s odd, I don’t quite know how to explain it, but I have met more of my favorite people online than anywhere else. My first love, my first kiss, my first…well, just about all my firsts were with people online. It wasn’t an obsession, it was a cure for me for whatever reason. When I had first met my first love, I gotta tell you it was something that was so tender, so sweet, that I still hold guys to that truth today. It’s a gentle balance between taking care of me and allowing me to be independent.

I have been thinking an awful lot anymore about my friends online, and I got to tell you it made my day today when another came out of this internet swarm to show back up into my life. It was nice, almost wonderful.

It’s been a while since I’ve allowed myself just to be happy. Just for shits and giggles.

Perhaps I need to try this.

Anxiety, Weddings, Romance

You know, when I sit down and write these at times, I don’t quite know what I’m going to say, so the fact that the title comes up more than not seems kind of crazy. What’s there to write if you mandate it by the title?
Do you remember that movie, “A Walk to Remember”? God it doesn’t matter if it’s mid afternoon or in the middle of the night if that movie is on I’ll sit down and watch it.

As I sat down and started watching it I started to think of things like this wedding, and everything else. I don’t know, it’s one of those things that you’re just sitting down and figure out how women versus men think..it goes back to the movie.

I miss that type of romance. I miss it a lot. It never ceases to amaze me that men start out different relationships that they are terribly romantic and go out of their way to make sure that you fall head over heels in love with them. Then, suddenly, it disappears. No more romantic phone calls, no more sweet words, no more nice emails, nothing. There’s such a feeling of loss at that point. Now that I’m planning this wedding by myself and the feeling of being alone is greater than ever.

It sucks. It’s like men feel like the work has somehow ended and they have the right to ignore you and just assume you’re going to be around.

It’s sad. I’m going through so much with this wedding. My mom asked me why I don’t want a full service for the wedding. How do you express to your mother that loves you and cherishes you that you don’t nearly have the stance in religion that she has? I never wanted the full service. I still don’t. I think that to a certain extent it takes away from what I want. I want to be able to dance with my soon to be husband on our wedding day.

There’s a lot of wants, that are all down to me.

Scary hmm?

XGames 3D: The Movie

Due to my ever increasing anxiety about my graduate career, I took sometime out last night to go see this movie. I have got to tell you, I watched XGames 14. The Summer Games, the Winter Games, it doesn’t matter when it comes to Action Sports, I’m stuck to the television. When I knew that this movie would only be in theatres for a week, I made it an imperative to go see it.

Shocked I was that I was the only one in the movie theater. Yes folks, I was it. I was also running about 10 minutes late, so missed the first part of the movie, which although I was slightly upset about, the rest of the movie did justice to me missing a small part of it. For the few steady readers I have of this blog, ya’ll know that I’ve been on crutches for a long time and the reason why I titled this blog what I did was largely because it’s the one place where I can sit down and be the skater, snowboarder, and surfer…even though I can’t do any of those things.

The clip expresses a good point that I think is imperative as to why the movie had such an impact on me despite seeing the footage already. These guys, from Travis Pastrana to Tony Hawk, Ryan Loza, Danny Way, Bob Bernquist, they all do the same thing, they say, “What if” the right way. What if you land it, do it, accomplish it. That failure isn’t a terrible thing. You get hurt, fine…get hurt. You get up, you brush yourself off, get the elbow, back, leg fixed and go back the next day and are ready for more.

I think in this graduate school journey, I’ve lost some of that. I have lost some of my don’t give a shit attitude. That failure is just an opportunity to learn more. I think what was so exciting about watching Ricky Carmichael in MotoX Step Up, was one thing that both him and Bob Bernquist said, “If you want something, and love it, there’s a push to go after it. Try it, practice it, there’s no can’t. Do it over and over and work damn hard at it. Don’t just expect it to come to you.”

I wonder so often if I am so used to having stuff just come to me. I did it through college, through high school. Now I’ve been presented with a challenge that I have never faced before, that no one I know in the true sense of knowing has ever experienced. I have allowed part of myself to be lost. I hate that. I get so frustrated that I have let one man control my entire existence. It’s annoying, not to mention stupid from someone who is far more hard headed than that.

Now all I have to do is figure out how to get back to where I was before I failed that test. Before I expected it to just “happen” and for the etherial “them” to just give me the PhD.

I want it back dammit.

For GH, an introspection on men and women and how we act together…

So, the other day, GH who writes a fabu blog over on the west side of the country was scribbling about his birthday, getting older, you know how it goes.

And I think that my exact comment was, “Women can’t handle you.”
Of course, he didn’t quite know what I meant, so I figured that I would scribble this down in the hopes of making myself more understood. Given that there are probably more than 3,000 miles between us this internet friendship needs to be fostered based on words…so hopefully I get this right.

What I meant by that statement was largely two fold.
1. I was told for years two things, a. That men find a smart women overwhelmingly intimidating. Same thing for if we know our sports. It’s like a guy thing. It’s hard to know what to say when a woman comes up to a man apparently, and knows more than them. But, in my defense, Mystery, the Pickup Artist extraordinaire stated that this only makes the male pick up artist’s work that much easier. Guess the rationale being that if I do the work for the guy, he can just sit back and relax. With that being said, I think sometimes when you’re just a bit too much for a woman, too smart, too straightforward, too aggressive, it does scare people away. My perspective of my buddy on the Westside is that he’s a rather introspective guy, deep in his own thoughts, and it often takes a lot for a woman, man, whomever to get to know him on a level worthwhile to investigating a relationship.

2. Sometimes when initially meeting either a woman or a man, initial impressions hold true throughout. It’s an odd situation, but let’s be honest…a good majority of the impression that you make on someone is based on the first 30 seconds that you see them. It’s an odd component. Take the other night. I went down to Little Havana with some girlfriends, the only and I mean the ONLY impression that I made on this fairly attractive man was based on the fact that I smiled at him when he walked in the door. He knew I was watching him all night, he was paying attention. I think however, this area is distinct. We have had a couple surveys done (both in Cosmo and Maxim) saying that the Baltimore/Washington D.C. area is the best area in the country to be single. The worst? You guessed it…LA. The reasons? I guess from what I’ve read, people in LA are very into how they look, how things look to other people.

My point? It’s can’t be the easiest place to live when you’re single. The more I spend watching people and chitchatting with both men and women the more I’m convinced that I should have gone into psychology. Ah well. I’d be interested to see what GH has to say about this. My entire point a lot of times, including the post-doc I met the other night who was, albeit with a beard, mildly attractive, I gotta tell you if you’re the person that you are regardless it will bode better for you than if you try and be the person that you envision the other wants. This I can actually speak from experience. I’m no Christy Brinkley, or even Zoe Deschanel, and have always had a chip on my shoulder for a health problem that I could never quite control. However, I’ve been doing okay in the dating scene, that now I’m engaged and happy as a clam.

How did that happen? I figured out one thing. I can’t fake it. I can’t make it up that I’m the person that particular man wants. I’m only the person that I am, I can’t change who I am, despite how hard I try.

That’s about it. By the way, I’m bad about editing, so sorry.

Good recognition, finally!

Better than Ezra, finally made it onto ABC News NOW!!!
Yay!!
ABC News Now

Still having it, Michael Vick, and moving on…

So, I initially really got knee deep back into this blog because my now fiancee was moving and I needed something to essentially take my mind off of him being so far away. Now that I have friends that are finishing their PhD’s (and are no longer wannabe graduate students, but actual legit docs); I’m starting to realize that a lot of what this blog means to me, is that everything that has ever been stuck in my brain is allowed a place to release, take flight, and say screw it.

Like my soon to be father in law, he doesn’t get it, it doesn’t make sense to him why have a blog, why write it all down? To me, in my mind, that seems like a real simpleton type view. That you’re just not complex enough to do things.

So, alas…my girl Kristen is moving. She’s a local like me, has lived here her entire life like me, she finished her PhD and is moving to Richmond. As much as I’m sad for her to go, the night will be and always has been very interesting when she’s involved. Tonight was no different. We went out to Little Havana tonight for some goofing off, drinking, looking cute, and hanging out. Cute guy rolls in with his buds and some chickies and I gotta tell you, for someone that’s engaged, he was hot. Like wicked hot. I figured giving the Orioles jersey that he was local, and just was gazing, looking, enjoying the art of being female. So, it’s funny…I never EVER had this kind of nerve when I was single. But, given the fact that I had two single friends I was like screw it, if he comes over I’ll hide the ring and talk to him.

Then I thought…the guy would be kinda pist about this. So, I was straight up, he was of course disappointed, but he also gave the vibe of trying just a tad too hard. I’m sure that he was bummed that he got the nerve to talk to a chick and she’s engaged, but I gotta tell you that it felt good that I got a cute guy not only to compliment me (which he of course ruined later) but to hit on one of my friends till of course he screwed it up.

I was proud of myself, I couldn’t help but think, “I still got it.”

Meanwhile, Michael Vick was signed by the Philadelphia Eagles. As much as I have grown up as one of the fans of the two best teams in football, the Washington Redskins and the Baltimore Ravens, I gotta tell you that the rumors of those teams signing him made a lump gather in my throat. I’m not a hard core animal activist, I eat meat, I’m not narly into it. But, I gotta tell you, when the whole dog killing thing came in, it like made my skin crawl. Denis Leary said it beautifully, “A guy that is cruel to dogs, should be put in a kennel, lie in his own sh*t and know what it feels like to have a collar with someone attacked to the other end pulling you from one end of the room to the other. And the motherf*cker should get wacked by a belt, or a hammer and see how it feels.”

So, I was leary, man I was leary when Pittsburgh was looking at him. It’s a hard struggle. I mean Pete Rose didn’t get another chance. Why does Michael Vick? He served his time? That’s crazy talk. Now, before you go knee deep into Ray Lewis, he was never convicted. Tried in the public or not, legally he’s not a criminal. Okay, so he obstructed justice. I obstruct justice by cockblocking cops from ticketing skateboarders. Craziness.

I’m feeling better about myself than I have in a while. I’m ok. Maybe work sucks, life here alone sucks, but who knows…it’s ok.

Empire Records ~ Perfect Cure for the Angsty Wannabe Graduate Student

Had to add this in tonight because after having a terribly angsty day it was a great time to know that I could just sit back and watch Empire Records on Fuse. I will admit that I’m paying the extra $3 a month but still. I’ve been so out of it recently with things going wrong at work, trying to plan a wedding, etc.

I will never forget feeling like I was Renee Zellweger in that movie (one of her first!) or Liv Tyler, or the chickie that played Debra. I will never forget thinking at how great it would be to work in a record store, and how interesting it was to listen to music all day long. This movie for me made it okay to listen to Lush, Elastica, Blur, and the Cure. My friends on #altmusic knew that. I would have never sought them out had it not been movies like this, and Heathers. When somehow it was acceptable to not be in a group and know a lot of people with a few really close friends as opposed to liking “everyone”. It was interesting, tonight I realized that “Joe” in the movie is probably my age…

So, go check it out. Empire Records.

Bueller? Bueller? Rest In Peace John Hughes

After reading We’ll Know When We Get There this morning my heart and eyeballs filled with tears again with the loss of John Hughes yesterday.

Now, I know that my blog isn’t followed extensively, part of which I’m fairly grateful for. No one understands sometimes that a part of the reason why science is so exciting is that it’s such a good thing to hide behind. The knowledge of chemistry, physics, and biology is something that such a select few have that it’s one of those things that if you don’t want to tell people something…just tell them what you do.

The movies that John Hughes made are the type that you will sit and watch whether it’s 3am or 11 in the morning. Some Kind of Wonderful, Pretty in Pink, Ferris Bueller, Weird Science, Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, Mr. Mom, She’s Having a Baby, I could go on and on. Those places, the feelings, the actions, it made you almost want to move to Chicago because at least it wouldn’t suck as bad as your home life did. He was the first of a long line of writers and producers that instead of curtailing the line between adults and teens and instead…merging it.

They keep saying in the news reports that he spoke for the “generation of teen angst” in a way that no one else ever did. I have always considered that I act younger than I am. I’ll admit that, it’s a factor of me being in school in my early 30’s, being sick so often throughout my childhood and teen years, and being sick again in college. However, with that being said, it’s interesting how so often my counterparts often miss the true meaning of what it was like to grow up in the late 80s and early 90s. They don’t know what it was like watching Voltron till you were in your teens and having it adulterated into the craptastic Power Rangers. Not even my fiancee who is 4 years my junior quite gets it.

My heart sunk and ached and still does for the loss of a brilliant writer, director, actor and producer. More than it ever did for Paul Newman, because it wasn’t like he was so detached. You felt like you were a part of John Hughes life. His family, his ideas, his home.

He will be terribly missed, by the people that knew him, loved him, and cherished his work.

Angst

Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written things. I figured I would throw something up tonight after giving myself a chance and just relax.

Thank goodness Bill Clinton went to North Korea, and I don’t know what he said but am glad that the two reporters have been allowed to leave N. Korea. So one of my favorite people on TV, Lisa Ling, now has her sister back so that’s cool.
I moved into my new apartment this past weekend. As nice as it is and as I’m sorting things out a bit, I’ve got to admit that I’m a bit down in the dumps that I have gotten into this great place finally and have gotten into this position all on my own…and I’m engaged. I’m supposed to be with my fiancee, enjoying this time in our lives that we’re only going to live once. I think sometimes it’s far more frustrating for me to be left here, with all the expectations on my shoulders of how to act as a fiancee, and he has nothing. I’m supposed to be losing weight, taking better care of my health, finishing (starting) my thesis project, and “following” my fiancee wherever the heck he goes after all this is done and I have my PhD.

Does anyone see something wrong with this other than me???? I mean, here’s my thing. I recognize that money isn’t a huge deal to him, and that is actually relatively cool because he wants to teach and he wants to bring his intelligence and his knowledge to others. I think that’s awesome. Meanwhile, there’s me. I feel like I want to share the knowledge too, however with that being said…when the fiancee applies for the job it’s 100 people for 1 spot, for me, it’s 350 people for like 15 spots, but I’ve got to tell you I can make like $100K more than he can over a lifetime. There’s an interesting aspect to this that he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care that we will consistently struggle for things, that my science is somehow not nearly as interesting or as thought provoking as his is.

Okay, so let’s buy into the fact that I agree with that. Which is well, a lie. He avoids this topic with a ten foot pole. But, it’s going to come up. Over and over again. So, I told him one time that if I couldn’t find a job I would need to go somewhere that I could…whether he was there or not. I just don’t understand that he can’t express the idea that for me…it’s far more impressive and important to me if he works at a 2nd tier school for me to be able to work for the FBI. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me. I think that this is the place where I need to be. Perhaps not Charm City, but definitely somewhere in this area.
So, this is the type of attitude that I get when I’m at home by myself. I wish that I could go on and talk about how I’m happy, and in a lot of ways, I really am.
Guess this is what I get for being so down in the dumps. Gotta run down the list I guess.