So, I’ve got a dirty little secret…

Yes folks, it’s worse than the All-American Rejects song.  Here’s the thing..when I was dating the young one before I started dating my sweetie now, I ran into an ex of mine. This was a particular ex that I fell for, and mistakingly so. He was(and probably still is) a great guy, dry sense of humor, very smart, cute, and just a good person….well, so I thought. I must admit that I was a bit messed up when we dated, and when things didn’t work out, and I didn’t know why…it ended horribly.

I’m famous for these types of breakups. Perhaps because when I get hurt like that, I can totally be super-b*tch.  I’ll admit it, and I’m manipulative too, yup, know that too.  But, when I had my heart surgery, he was nice enough to at least send me something in the hospital, and he called even. It was nice. I will admit that, it was nice. But, I will also admit when you’re faced with a life and death thing like that heart surgery was, the idea of looking back on it, is hard. Really hard.

So, speed up a few years, and low and behold, I’m dating the young one (he ended up not being nice either, but that’s another long story) and we go to the movies, and there he is. Cutie woman he was with and he came by, but I turned away, hoping that he didn’t want to talk to me. That’s okay.  I recognize that I’m a total chicken, and I’m okay with that. I am. I know it. I’m fine with that.  Meanwhile, I went about what I was doing, dating the young one, and then dropped him like a bad habit, probably a year later.

Now, my secret…I’m an internet stalker. No contact, just drive bys. I sometimes check out the young one’s lab website to see if he’s published. I check his music website to make sure that I don’t end up at a coffee house that he’s playing at.  Welp, the guy that I fell for? I found his blog…yup, that’s right.  It kind of scared me first, but that’s the thing about this guy. He’s a good talker, and a fabulous writer, and there’s just times that I wanted that sneak peek into how he’s doing.  Welp, married and with a little one on the way, he’s coming back home…and home is here.

Why in the world do I feel like it’s bad to be a 31 year old in graduate school??? Because my parents are self-maders, working instead to get a job and work your way up that way, instead of working through the classical taught way of going to school and being done. There was just something inside me saying that I needed this, I deserved this. I think that no one would torture themselves with graduate school if they didn’t feel like that. It’s not something that’s easy, but for me…nothing in life has been excepting loving my family, my bf, and my nephews.  I think I feel bad because I want it so bad. I want kids, and probably will never have my own, I want to be married, and discover that part of myself.

It’s dangerous to want. So, yup…I feel bad that I stalk, but I’m happy he’s doing good I guess. This town is a lot smaller than you figure it is, I worry at times of running into them. But, like I said to a labmate of mine, why do I care???

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One Response to “So, I’ve got a dirty little secret…”

  1. pandemonic Says:

    Don’t feel badly, M. I stalk too. I found my best friend from high school, who is now a college professor. However, I’m not going to contact him, since he doesn’t want to hear from me. However, I will check him out every so often and see what he’s doing. It’s not really stalking. It’s research.

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