Let me give you a bit of history…I was always that kid that everyone loved to hate. Since I started developing into a teenager, I was the girl with the big boobs and I was skinny minnie.
Who knew it was because I had hyperthyroidism? I didn’t until I was under the knife with them removing 3/4 of it.
Fast forward. It’s been about a month since my most recent thyroidectomy, and as many of you know I’m exhausted, but otherwise doing okay. So, I went to the endocrinologist yesterday and basically said,
“So why am I being forced to function on like 7 cokes a day and I’m not losing weight, but gaining instead?”
She told me something that I found so interesting I had to share.
So, if you didn’t already know this, most of your metabolism is controlled by your pituitary gland that hangs out in the brain, right behind the optic nerve. I’ll save you the gory details. It screams down to the thyroid hormone when your TSH (or thyroid stimulating hormone) is too high to produce more Free T4 and T3 which bind to iodine and regulate food content, breakdown, etc. She said that the average person (which she also expressed that I wasn’t) feels relatively “normal” and “active” with a TSH level of around or below about 10. Mine’s at 31.5.
*sigh* So, I just spent money on hormone that isn’t doing for me, and I’ve now spent more to correct the problem. LOVE IT.
But, back to my point. I’m not a girly girl, never have been. But, I have a thing for fashion, and I like to know that I look good. I don’t look good right now, I really don’t. I have been meaning to do a post-op picture just to show the dramatic difference in my neck, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I’m not fat. I know I’m not. This is just the heaviest that I’ve ever been. Not to mention, to have a medical professional tell you that you could work out 3 hours a day, and it would have NO effect, is so disheartening, I don’t quite know how to express my level of disappointment.
I’ve always been active. Always. Even at the lowest to where I was with my birth defect, I was always active. Now, I go home and sleep. Sleep some more. Get up, eat something, go back to sleep. I can’t handle this. I don’t want to handle this.
I have to handle this.
It makes me feel bad too. I try really hard to be nice to people, but I will admit that there were times that I would tease about how “oh the fat people must be out, there’s no handicap spaces available.” I know it’s mean, but I would never say it to anyone, I would think it. What a bad person, I know. It’s not something that I’m proud of people. Now that I’m getting heavier, I feel like all I want to do is starve myself, but I can’t do that. Got to keep eating. *sigh* I always wondered sometimes with my overweight friends when they said it was gland issue. Now, I know that it probably really was.
I’m so sad about this, it’s brought my self esteem to an all time low. Can’t quite figure out how to take myself out of it except to just keep eating right, say screw it, and keep going.