I can’t tell you how many times I have been sitting in front of a computer going, “I need a bit more fun in my life.” Yet, I sit down and do…nothing. I think to a certain extent I sit and do nothing because I spend my days doing so much, that now I’m just letting my laziness take over. I did a bit of a puzzle today, and of course I wonder at times why the bf doesn’t care when I’m not there than I finally got it.
I’m not there. It’s not a huge deal to him, because he subconsciously cares and loves me whether I’m there or not. He doesn’t understand what his sheer presence does to me. Then again, I sit sometimes and think…why doesn’t he tell me what he’s thinking? He says that he’s very self inspective, and I almost laughed at him. I figure out of anyone, he would talk to me first right? That anyone that he would be willing to let in, it’d be me?
I worry that he hasn’t. He has been cooking more, been going out more, and I know already I can’t afford to go out there in December. He doesn’t want to have that conversation. When we have the conversation that he has to admit that he cares enough to make this relationship work. That he makes the money to keep this relationship financially stable. It hurts that he doesn’t see that. He worries that I’m taking advantage, etc. It’s aggravating. I have friends that have dealt with the long distance thing, and everytime they never work. I want to be that 1%. I’m almost desperate to be that 1%. Perhaps I’m totally wrong. I need to center in on myself, etc. Perhaps this is more of an experiment for myself than for anyone else.
Perhaps this, graduate work, getting done alone, being there by myself is what will complete this entire experience and have it so that I will go back into the relationship full. It’s hard to say.