You know, when I found myself in a situation where my bf is now in the midwest, it has left me without my boys, without my boy, and now without a true sense of self.
It’s interesting. It’s been 16 years since I’ve been on crutches. It’s been frustrating that I can’t do an enormous amount by myself, but I have tried since day one to be fairly independent. But, I must admit in my continuous dealings with men, I’ve been trying my best to make sure that I figure out a few things. For years and years, I realized that the men in my life that would come and go…
…it was because of my birth defect and me being on crutches. I was CONVINCED. My first LDR (long distance relationship) and yes I know he reads this, I was CONVINCED it was me, my crutches, and the fact that I was younger than him that did me in. I now realize that wasn’t the truth, but for the life of me after not talking to him for over 11 years, I don’t quite know where to start.
Then, sigh…. I knew the guy that I fell for from TX it was definitely the crutches. Find out later, and I quote, I didn’t “put out”. Ah, men, you make me crazy. It’s an interesting situation though. I have been watching the The Pickup Artist. Now, I must admit that Mystery is a real hottie….but I watch it more for the social dynamic experiment that it really is. I went to a Halloween party this year, the first one without the bf, and low and behold, I totally got hit on! Way fun if you ask me, but it was more that I was talking to a woman that I hung out with she said to me, “You know it’s funny, I’ve been with Ryan so long, that the whole dating thing I’m just lost.” I got to say…after watching Mystery and his wings…
It made sense. Like a lot of sense. You stick with your friends.
It’s about confidence.
Having worth in other people.
I was kind of impressed. It made me miss the boys I used to hang with in college. Not that they were wonderful, I mean we fell out of contact…but Steve, Hinson, they were good people. It made me feel like I was a good person. And, you know it’s odd. I am around men in my life a lot. It hasn’t been the same though. The comfort is lost. It’s not about quick flirting and friendliness. The joking, the teasing, it’s somehow gone just like my 20s are gone.
I can’t say I want to deal with the trauma that I often caused myself in that time, and I do try my best to be as independent and confident as I can, but when you run into not being confident, you want your boys with you to be there for you to tell you that you’re a dumbass. It makes me sad.
It’s odd too. Work’s good, families good, I just wish I was good.