Enlightenment

As I meander my way through this world, it’s a wonder I have survived this long with the rough and tumble things that I put in front of myself to conquer.

For example, in a fit of internet stalking, I found my first love. That’s right ladies and gents. The very first one. He was actually really nice last night, and I was appreciative, but I’ve got to say…

…I’m kind of okay that he is starting to realize what a catch I was. Too bad it took like almost 15 years right?

Meanwhile, I’m starting realize some stuff about myself that isn’t the most fabulous. I’m not thrilled with it, but I’ve got to say that at least now I know. At least I’m starting to learn I do this.

In my everlasting search as to why in the world my crazy bf doesn’t want to marry me…
I’m starting to wonder if it’s just that I’m pushing. Guys will get to that position eventually, and if they don’t, we’re better off right? That’s what all the crazy magazines say. Hehehe. I mean talking with the ex via IM last night, I started to realize some stuff:
There are times that I’ll sleep through the late night phone call because I know I have crap in the morning and he doesn’t.
I’m not as considerate as I try to be.
I’m awful selfish.
I’m terrified.
Absolutely terrified that I’m going to end up alone. I just wonder when you figure out that you’re just set to be there and it’s over and just deal with it.

Hard to say.

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4 Responses to “Enlightenment”

  1. fabulouslyglamorous Says:

    I think you have to embrace everything about you, the good and the bad. You’re so brave for putting that out there.

    Stop obssesing over the question of whether or not you’ll end up alone. You’re fabulous and I’m sure marriage is the future for you. Just keep enjoying everyday.

    [FabulouslyGlamorous]

  2. cripkitty Says:

    You are fabulous! Much thanks for stopping by. That’s the nicest thing someone has said to me all week. πŸ™‚

  3. geekhiker Says:

    Odd. You hunted down your first love, just as I’ve been pondering (and trying to dismiss) the idea of contacting my last one…

    Have you been putting pressure on him to propose?

    I do have to say, don’t worry about the idea that he might not be missing you as much as you might be missing him; it doesn’t say anything less about his feelings about you. After all, soldiers go off to Iraq for a year at a time, and while they still love their wives, they have to compartmentalize that in order to get the job done and survive. Doesn’t mean he cares for you less, just that he’s compartmentalizing things because that’s what guys do. Our brains just work differently. He probably thinks about you more than you think he does, and more than he’ll ever admit to. πŸ™‚

  4. cripkitty Says:

    GH: I kinda just did it on a wing and a prayer. Needed people to talk to I guess. I was just lucky (or unlucky some might say)?

    umm…yeah I kinda have been putting pressure on him…is that bad?
    You know I had to sit down and think about what you said in your last paragraph and I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. You guys are so funny like that. Because when I’m with him, it’s like nothing has changed to him, but he doesn’t quite get that everything has changed. Weird.

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