Angst

Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written things. I figured I would throw something up tonight after giving myself a chance and just relax.

Thank goodness Bill Clinton went to North Korea, and I don’t know what he said but am glad that the two reporters have been allowed to leave N. Korea. So one of my favorite people on TV, Lisa Ling, now has her sister back so that’s cool.
I moved into my new apartment this past weekend. As nice as it is and as I’m sorting things out a bit, I’ve got to admit that I’m a bit down in the dumps that I have gotten into this great place finally and have gotten into this position all on my own…and I’m engaged. I’m supposed to be with my fiancee, enjoying this time in our lives that we’re only going to live once. I think sometimes it’s far more frustrating for me to be left here, with all the expectations on my shoulders of how to act as a fiancee, and he has nothing. I’m supposed to be losing weight, taking better care of my health, finishing (starting) my thesis project, and “following” my fiancee wherever the heck he goes after all this is done and I have my PhD.

Does anyone see something wrong with this other than me???? I mean, here’s my thing. I recognize that money isn’t a huge deal to him, and that is actually relatively cool because he wants to teach and he wants to bring his intelligence and his knowledge to others. I think that’s awesome. Meanwhile, there’s me. I feel like I want to share the knowledge too, however with that being said…when the fiancee applies for the job it’s 100 people for 1 spot, for me, it’s 350 people for like 15 spots, but I’ve got to tell you I can make like $100K more than he can over a lifetime. There’s an interesting aspect to this that he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care that we will consistently struggle for things, that my science is somehow not nearly as interesting or as thought provoking as his is.

Okay, so let’s buy into the fact that I agree with that. Which is well, a lie. He avoids this topic with a ten foot pole. But, it’s going to come up. Over and over again. So, I told him one time that if I couldn’t find a job I would need to go somewhere that I could…whether he was there or not. I just don’t understand that he can’t express the idea that for me…it’s far more impressive and important to me if he works at a 2nd tier school for me to be able to work for the FBI. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me. I think that this is the place where I need to be. Perhaps not Charm City, but definitely somewhere in this area.
So, this is the type of attitude that I get when I’m at home by myself. I wish that I could go on and talk about how I’m happy, and in a lot of ways, I really am.
Guess this is what I get for being so down in the dumps. Gotta run down the list I guess.

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One Response to “Angst”

  1. geekhiker Says:

    Fact is, you’re going to have to sit down, together, and hash it all out (and I’m sure you know it right?). It’s gonna suck, but it’s something you should probably do now, instead of waiting, letting it fester and get worse over time. And the way I see it, given that you two are a couple that have gone some distance for a while now, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out something where you’ll both be able to satisfy your dreams. And years later, whatever compromises you both have made will feel like nothing.

    As to the apartment, um, hello? You’ve found someone who you love and loves you back (okay, admittedly that’s a foreign concept to me, but I’m rolling with it for arguments sake). Quit ‘complainin. 😉

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