Posts Tagged ‘boys’

Missin’ my boys…

November 18, 2008

You know, when I found myself in a situation where my bf is now in the midwest, it has left me without my boys, without my boy, and now without a true sense of self.

It’s interesting. It’s been 16 years since I’ve been on crutches. It’s been frustrating that I can’t do an enormous amount by myself, but I have tried since day one to be fairly independent. But, I must admit in my continuous dealings with men, I’ve been trying my best to make sure that I figure out a few things. For years and years, I realized that the men in my life that would come and go…

…it was because of my birth defect and me being on crutches. I was CONVINCED. My first LDR (long distance relationship) and yes I know he reads this, I was CONVINCED it was me, my crutches, and the fact that I was younger than him that did me in. I now realize that wasn’t the truth, but for the life of me after not talking to him for over 11 years, I don’t quite know where to start.

Then, sigh…. I knew the guy that I fell for from TX it was definitely the crutches. Find out later, and I quote, I didn’t “put out”. Ah, men, you make me crazy. It’s an interesting situation though. I have been watching the The Pickup Artist. Now, I must admit that Mystery is a real hottie….but I watch it more for the social dynamic experiment that it really is. I went to a Halloween party this year, the first one without the bf, and low and behold, I totally got hit on! Way fun if you ask me, but it was more that I was talking to a woman that I hung out with she said to me, “You know it’s funny, I’ve been with Ryan so long, that the whole dating thing I’m just lost.” I got to say…after watching Mystery and his wings…

It made sense. Like a lot of sense. You stick with your friends.
It’s about confidence.
Independence.
Self worth.
Having worth in other people.

I was kind of impressed. It made me miss the boys I used to hang with in college. Not that they were wonderful, I mean we fell out of contact…but Steve, Hinson, they were good people. It made me feel like I was a good person. And, you know it’s odd. I am around men in my life a lot. It hasn’t been the same though. The comfort is lost. It’s not about quick flirting and friendliness. The joking, the teasing, it’s somehow gone just like my 20s are gone.

I can’t say I want to deal with the trauma that I often caused myself in that time, and I do try my best to be as independent and confident as I can, but when you run into not being confident, you want your boys with you to be there for you to tell you that you’re a dumbass. It makes me sad.

It’s odd too. Work’s good, families good, I just wish I was good.

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A different experience…

November 23, 2007

You know, I have to admit, being madly in love with someone pushes you to places that you would never anticipate. I am up in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania for the holiday weekend. Now, we did this last year, but it was like 70 degrees, and it was the nicest holiday they had seen in years. Like 15 years. Now, this year….this year we went back to Meadville, PA (northwestern part of the state if you don’t know Pennsylvania) and so we headed back there. I have to tell you if you aren’t been on crutches for a majority of your life, it’s hard to understand why someone hates snow as much as I hate it. I hate it, because of the cold, the slip, and because I’m from the mid-atlantic, and let it be said we see a predominant more of ice than of snow. So, as we are leaving Meadville last night around 8:30, I must admit that I was a bit apprehensive of getting in the car with my boyfriends father. Now, bless his heart, I do care for this man, but he drives worse than my bf does, and that’s saying something. It was coming down too, like really coming down. It was one of those things that I just didn’t want to do. But, I will tell you something, I was very good. I talked and talked and talked.  I am not a huge fan of talking to his mother as of recent, because she hasn’t been nice recently when it has come to his post-doc choices. I don’t know quite what to say or do anymore, so I talked about my cousin. The not okay anymore.  So, such is life. Meanwhile, I must admit that I am starting to enjoy the holiday season. I will have fun despite how frustrating his family has been.  Meanwhile, as I had started to watch the things of Marion Jones, god bless her. $750,000 of prize funds…gone. Olympic medals for women who fought just to get there, gone. It’s such a shame.  Guess that’s what happens.