Posts Tagged ‘long distance’

Enlightenment

April 8, 2009

As I meander my way through this world, it’s a wonder I have survived this long with the rough and tumble things that I put in front of myself to conquer.

For example, in a fit of internet stalking, I found my first love. That’s right ladies and gents. The very first one. He was actually really nice last night, and I was appreciative, but I’ve got to say…

…I’m kind of okay that he is starting to realize what a catch I was. Too bad it took like almost 15 years right?

Meanwhile, I’m starting realize some stuff about myself that isn’t the most fabulous. I’m not thrilled with it, but I’ve got to say that at least now I know. At least I’m starting to learn I do this.

In my everlasting search as to why in the world my crazy bf doesn’t want to marry me…
I’m starting to wonder if it’s just that I’m pushing. Guys will get to that position eventually, and if they don’t, we’re better off right? That’s what all the crazy magazines say. Hehehe. I mean talking with the ex via IM last night, I started to realize some stuff:
There are times that I’ll sleep through the late night phone call because I know I have crap in the morning and he doesn’t.
I’m not as considerate as I try to be.
I’m awful selfish.
I’m terrified.
Absolutely terrified that I’m going to end up alone. I just wonder when you figure out that you’re just set to be there and it’s over and just deal with it.

Hard to say.

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The Art of the LDR~ Hitting a Bad Patch

February 28, 2009

You know it’s interesting, I’m close to being in this relationship for a very long time now. It’s interesting now that we’re doing this long distance. The small things are getting to be very big. I don’t quite know if I’m really overreacting. That’s the thing.

See, here is the thing. I think to a certain extent, this is just truly the difference between men and women. Men will say one thing like, “Well my parents are going to be more important that weekend.”

What the woman hears, “You’re not important.”
I think there’s just a natural difference between men and women. It’s also that to a certain extent, women are bred to kind of do more than men in relationships. That men have themselves convinced that they don’t have to change and that they don’t have to modify how their daily lives are going at all except to add the woman into the equation.

We just don’t think like that as women. Modification to make the relationship work is what they tell you in those small conversations you’re supposed to have with the people in your life that “know”. That somehow men don’t get this conversation. They get, “Women are supposed to honor and obey.” It doesn’t make sense to me. So, now I’m struggling with this relationship due to the sheer unadulterated fact that I don’t see him as often as I would like to.

I did the right thing.
You know what happened?
Nothing.
Yes, that’s right nothing. Nothing changed.
We tried to get stuff to change, but still nothing has changed and I have a feeling that what I need to do is change it for myself and quit depending on him. Quit wondering if he will decide to take some initiative. He told me the other day that I shouldn’t be scared of losing him.

I didn’t have the heart to say that he should probably start worrying about losing me.

It Never Gets Easier…

November 10, 2008

After a wonderful weekend, I’ve dropped the bf off at the airport…and I’m left with a new feeling of sadness. It just doesn’t get easier, I don’t quite understand why I would ever think that it would. It’s been rough. I get to the point that I know that I’m working, and I know that I’m busy, but it’s just not the same.

I know he’s gone. I know for whatever reason, whatever god you decide to worship has decided to throw him into the midwest, and leave me here. It makes me think of that new song “Come on Get Higher” it just makes me sad, I get sad, and then I cry, and then I cry some more, than I wake up like it’s all over. I act like for some reason it’s okay. It’s not.

This isn’t any easier than it was when he moved in August. I mean, it’s November. It’s been 3 months out of 24. At the least. That somehow it’s something that I’m supposed to be okay about.