Posts Tagged ‘maryland’

Something’s going to happen ~ Chances are 50/50 they’re going to be pretty good…

May 4, 2009

“and I’m willing to take that risk.”

I’ve got to tell you, for someone that has been dealing with a disorder for longer than the other part of her life, I saw Michael J Fox on Actor’s Studio tonight.

He brought me to tears. He deals with the pain with a seemingly relative ease. States that it’s terribly painful, but moves on. Moves up, gets past it. There is something so wildly refreshing from that. I have always felt to a certain extent that when people would tell me, “Oh you’re so strong.” I would like laugh it off. I guess now I need to start saying thank you. It was one of those things that you just do.
What are you going to do?
With any disorder that you have to deal with, it’s one of those things…it’s hard to say…harder even to explain.
No one tells you “Oh you’re going to die.” No one tells you how or what to do next. You go to school, and people try and extract you out and holler at you, and all you can do..honestly, is just go on. Fight.Fight really really hard. Everything becomes very aggressive and it becomes a “Screw you” or get screwed type of persona. I think to a certain extent that’s why I become so aggressive towards things.

I am firmly convinced that is why I’m with my bf to this day. I was aggressive towards how I felt for him for one reason and one reason only.

I knew in my heart that if I didn’t tell him how I felt I would never forgive myself. I would eternally hurt in my heart if I didn’t let him know that my heart yearned for him.

It’ll be 5 years on Saturday.

My heart still hurts every time he parts from my company.


Tales of a Wannabe Graduate School Dropout: I at this point wonder…

April 29, 2009

How I’m slowly but surely losing my faith in humanity. So, just to catch people up:

I’m officially done the “testing” part of my “testing” in my dissertation. But, there’s a catch. My advisor decided that he didn’t want to “retest” me, and decided instead to use my research proposal as my “test”. This has put entirely way too much weight on this proposal and I’m basically getting and shelling out nothing but grief. I’ve got to hand it to myself, I’m freaking out over this way more than the concept of just taking an oral exam.

I recognize as an adult I can totally walk away from this and be totally fine, but given the fact that I’ve chased this forensic science dream for so long, and for so hard, the idea of walking away from it at square zero and starting all over again…well, it’s annoying as crap.

I also wonder how my other students get by with all the crap. I’ve got to tell ya, I don’t teach, have been lucky to be on a research assistantship the entire time, and although I have had huge issues with money, and at this point spend way too much on commas…well, I have colleagues in the department that I work in and they teach, have research issues just like I do, have personal issues and other things just like I do, and they’re fine. They also have not one, not two, but three oral exams all at once. I think if they knew it was coming, it wouldn’t be so bad.

It’s hard to say. All I know is that I’m now at the point that not only do I have a short temper, but I’m also starting to figure a couple things out. I’m now at the point that I feel like I’ve been there too long, and I’m overly aggressive towards my work. I’m glad that people are graduating around me, as they are getting their own stuff done…but I would really like to be amongst them, whether they are ahead of the average or not.
I feel like to a certain extent, when I get to the point where I truly hate it…like passionately hate it, I’ll go. Regardless of my bf being in the midwest, for us struggling through a long distance relationship.

It’s odd…for once. In almost 33 years….it’s about me.

Odd hmm??

A few tidbits for a Tuesday Afternoon…

April 7, 2009

I’m procrastinating to all hell. Why you ask? Because I have a great idea for a short story that I haven’t worked on because I have myself convinced that I need to be working on well…work. So, I do my best, read a couple articles here or there and something on Facebook or here in the blogosphere catches my eye…and I’m gone. Done.

Catch this undergrad. It’s imperative that you look where you’re going when you decide to climb onto an elevator. That way you won’t tick off the grad student that although not in charge of your grade, can get a hold of the guy or gal in charge of your grade.

Two delightful weekends with bf has made me skippy. We put together Easter baskets for my nephews this weekend and thanks to my man, I am officially the coolest auntie on the planet.

Mental note to all you men out there btw: If you KNOW that you disagree with your fine lookin’ honey on things like politics, don’t bring it up. ESPECIALLY if you’re in a long distance relationship allowing her a bit more freedom. That freedom can come in and bite you in the butt. Case in point this weekend. Now, has Michael Steele said some dumb crap: Yes. Is he a complete nimrod? I don’t think so…at least not yet. Michael don’t steer me wrong man, I’m routing for you, fuck it, the whole damn state of Maryland is routing for you. We recognize you might be the fall guy, but we’re hopeful for the best.

I finished the Wicked Years yesterday. I haven’t decided if I will review all three books or just stick to the last two I read or just do one big review. It will come eventually. For now I’m reading Denis Leary’s book, very fun.

News on my big test: I passed. Thankfully. More news on what’s next in the never ending hoops that I need to jump through to get through graduate school with my doctorate to come.

Speaking of which: I’m contemplating compiling a book. Titled like most of my threads that I write about school: Tales of a Wannabe Grad School Dropout. For those of you that are out there reading that are grad school people like me, let me know you’re feelings.

The weather is typical Maryland hellish weather these days. It’s screwing with my system.

I could ramble on and on…

March 30, 2009

So, it’s been about two or some odd weeks before I had a chance to sit down and throw some info down here about what’s been going on. I’ve been super busy and it doesn’t look to finish anytime soon, but I figured that I would throw some information up and let the cards fall where they may.
Speaking of cards…X-Men Origins: Wolverine is due out May 1st, and although I have always been a fan of the X-Men series, I’m SUPER excited that my favorite mutant, Gambit is coming out to play for the 1st time in the X-Men movies. It actually is going to be good next couple weeks for movies. The original cast is back for Fast and Furious and from what I’ve heard of the soundtrack I’m blissfully happy about it. Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Michelle Rodriguez, the cars…man the cars alone would have me waiting for tickets for this movie. State of Play also looks like it’s going to be a thrilling movie. Of course this summer we’re also waiting on Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince for which of course I’m grateful and can’t WAIT to see. I saw Watchmen when I was in Chicago for my conference and I’ve got to say that seeing things in the IMAX is the way to see a movie, ESPECIALLY a movie like that. It was good but if you’re anticipating a movie that is a normal super hero movie, you will be grossly disappointed.

Life as a graduate student will hopefully mellow out slightly in June. So, when I initially took my comprehensive exam in August last year, I didn’t pass all of the exam. I passed some but not all. So, I have taken WAY too long to deal with this, and now I have one more exam to take, as I took my 4th (out of 5) on Friday. So, if the exam I took on Friday comes out, I’ll take this last exam. To say I’m nervous is an understatement. I’m tired of doing these tests though. It will be nice one way to come out in the wash.

I have had a hard time with people as of recent. I think it’s hard for me to read people, and I try really hard not to let people hurt my feelings, and in the meantime, hurt others. I don’t like that. I don’t like thinking that about people. But, here’s the thing. If I’m calling you on something, one of two things is happening. Either 1. You did it, and you don’t like being called out. or 2. I genuinely hurt your feelings. But, I’ve got to ask the few readers I have out there…if I legit apologize, isn’t that enough? I figure that I’m not the type to hold grudges, I have a tendency to either forget about it, or just to write you off. I will admit it, it’s either one or the other for me. But, if you legit apologize, that I’ll take what you said, say okay we’re cool and move on.

Why is it that no one thinks the way I do? *sigh* Maybe it’s just me.

Oh, and a last bit news bit here. The Mt. Dew Action Sports Tour announced their new dates for the 2009 tour, and I just have to air my disappointment here. As a skateboarding fan, I was blissfully happy that the Dew Tour will make a stop in Grant Park in Chicago…conveniently to boyfriend’s house right? Too bad it’s not going to be the skateboarders!!! It’s not going to be any skateboarding in the 2nd city…no no…they’re going to Boston.

What’s going on people???? I recognize that the boarding community got screwed here in Baltimore for the beloved Orioles that haven’t gotten out of the basement of the AL east in a long time, but I mean hey…at least if you’re going to build a park, you’re going to build a half-pipe, throw the event all at the same time please????

I’ll Never Be a Cold Weather Baby…

March 2, 2009

So, my man has always had this vision that despite the climate that we will go to these exotic places and be these exotic people and share our knowledge of our respective subjects around the world. I let him sort of have this dream with the hopes that he will eventually get to the point that I’m at that a beach house by the bay would be nice. That 70 degrees every day despite it being January or June would also be nice. I haven’t quite gotten him there, but he’ll get there I tell ya he will!

It snowed about 5 inches in the Baltimore area today. Although it was nice to sleep in, and it was nice to get some work done here at home, I must admit that Atlantis commercial looks better and better the lack of warm weather and the more hot chocolate that I drink. I loved that my neighbor (I live in a building with a lot of nurses) goes, “You okay? You need a scraper?” as I’m struggling to clean the couple of inches of snow off my car. It’s funny as I’m going through stuff as much as I’m proud that I’m being so independent and so on part of me wonders when flipflops will come back into style.

So, in the end the only thing I can figure out is…any beach town university need a theoretical physicist? 🙂

The Art of the LDR~ Hitting a Bad Patch

February 28, 2009

You know it’s interesting, I’m close to being in this relationship for a very long time now. It’s interesting now that we’re doing this long distance. The small things are getting to be very big. I don’t quite know if I’m really overreacting. That’s the thing.

See, here is the thing. I think to a certain extent, this is just truly the difference between men and women. Men will say one thing like, “Well my parents are going to be more important that weekend.”

What the woman hears, “You’re not important.”
I think there’s just a natural difference between men and women. It’s also that to a certain extent, women are bred to kind of do more than men in relationships. That men have themselves convinced that they don’t have to change and that they don’t have to modify how their daily lives are going at all except to add the woman into the equation.

We just don’t think like that as women. Modification to make the relationship work is what they tell you in those small conversations you’re supposed to have with the people in your life that “know”. That somehow men don’t get this conversation. They get, “Women are supposed to honor and obey.” It doesn’t make sense to me. So, now I’m struggling with this relationship due to the sheer unadulterated fact that I don’t see him as often as I would like to.

I did the right thing.
You know what happened?
Yes, that’s right nothing. Nothing changed.
We tried to get stuff to change, but still nothing has changed and I have a feeling that what I need to do is change it for myself and quit depending on him. Quit wondering if he will decide to take some initiative. He told me the other day that I shouldn’t be scared of losing him.

I didn’t have the heart to say that he should probably start worrying about losing me.

When there’s just a bit too much going on…

February 4, 2009

I have been trying my best this year to take off the excess weight that I gained in battling my constant thyroid problems. I made the decision to follow doctors orders and get a personal trainer to start me on the path of fitness. That was not easy finding that money, let me tell you. I’ve been following up with doctor after doctor. It’s been okay. Honest. I’m making slow strides, and I’m grateful that despite the my busy schedule, despite school, stress, and my long distance relationship I have been making good strides.

So, there’s always a variety of “support” groups that are available here online. I found one, and although I initially found that it was a decent support group, I find myself stuck in that weird limbo of your 30s. There was a weird limbo when I was in my 20s, and now in my 30s. It doesn’t make sense to me. It’s interesting because some people read my stuff and I’m sure think, “She’s just a punk kid.”
I very rarely throw my knowledge out there. I don’t know why I think that I’m not confident about it, I’m just not…and that’s okay. I don’t need to throw my education down people’s throats, and I think when I finally get frustrated enough and throw it out there I get trampled on.
It’s aggravating.
So, I’m back on my own. That’s okay.

The Inauguration Can Stick It..

January 16, 2009

Yes folks, it’s honestly not that I think that Obama won’t do a good job. He will. But geez of freaking flip already. It’s the Thursday before the inauguration. Signs around the area have already started “Major Delays Expected Around Washington DC be prepared”. Do you honestly give a rat’s ass enough to know how this area will be “prepared”.

We are going to take your money and rob you blind because there are way too many people that are going to be around to rip off and have $600 hotel rooms. Now, for those of you that read this blog that have no concept as to where I’m at…let me show you. Visualize…it’s 39.4 miles according to Google Maps from my house to the White House. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. It’s not.  I have always enjoyed growing up here. However, it’s going to create a logistical nightmare.

No work will be done in DC from now until next Thursday. Why do you ask? GMA will be here, MTV, I mean, I could go on and on.

Do you honestly think that someone can get stuff done in that?

My aggression for just the traffic alone is enough to annoy me.

Missin’ my boys…

November 18, 2008

You know, when I found myself in a situation where my bf is now in the midwest, it has left me without my boys, without my boy, and now without a true sense of self.

It’s interesting. It’s been 16 years since I’ve been on crutches. It’s been frustrating that I can’t do an enormous amount by myself, but I have tried since day one to be fairly independent. But, I must admit in my continuous dealings with men, I’ve been trying my best to make sure that I figure out a few things. For years and years, I realized that the men in my life that would come and go…

…it was because of my birth defect and me being on crutches. I was CONVINCED. My first LDR (long distance relationship) and yes I know he reads this, I was CONVINCED it was me, my crutches, and the fact that I was younger than him that did me in. I now realize that wasn’t the truth, but for the life of me after not talking to him for over 11 years, I don’t quite know where to start.

Then, sigh…. I knew the guy that I fell for from TX it was definitely the crutches. Find out later, and I quote, I didn’t “put out”. Ah, men, you make me crazy. It’s an interesting situation though. I have been watching the The Pickup Artist. Now, I must admit that Mystery is a real hottie….but I watch it more for the social dynamic experiment that it really is. I went to a Halloween party this year, the first one without the bf, and low and behold, I totally got hit on! Way fun if you ask me, but it was more that I was talking to a woman that I hung out with she said to me, “You know it’s funny, I’ve been with Ryan so long, that the whole dating thing I’m just lost.” I got to say…after watching Mystery and his wings…

It made sense. Like a lot of sense. You stick with your friends.
It’s about confidence.
Self worth.
Having worth in other people.

I was kind of impressed. It made me miss the boys I used to hang with in college. Not that they were wonderful, I mean we fell out of contact…but Steve, Hinson, they were good people. It made me feel like I was a good person. And, you know it’s odd. I am around men in my life a lot. It hasn’t been the same though. The comfort is lost. It’s not about quick flirting and friendliness. The joking, the teasing, it’s somehow gone just like my 20s are gone.

I can’t say I want to deal with the trauma that I often caused myself in that time, and I do try my best to be as independent and confident as I can, but when you run into not being confident, you want your boys with you to be there for you to tell you that you’re a dumbass. It makes me sad.

It’s odd too. Work’s good, families good, I just wish I was good.

A Post that wasn’t meant to be…

November 15, 2008

So, I initially was going to write about my current ongoing obsession of the Twilight movie that’s coming out, but today was a bit of a shock to me. I initially was going to write how crazy people can be.

One of my girls got hit by a car today. Thankfully, she’s fine, but I’m sure it scared her shitless. Scared me! I felt bad that she was by herself. That’s all. She went to the hospital, and the shoutout went out that something happened, I think it scared us all a little bit. But, it made me happy that she was okay, and is now resting comfortably. As shaken I was by the incident that might not have been, I must admit when I ordered take out from a great place that is here in Baltimore, they didn’t give me a total over the phone. So, I figured that $20 would be worth it. Well, it was $20.75, and the guy was so nice he said, “Don’t worry about it.” Didn’t take a tip or anything.

I felt terrible and wildly proud of my city and the area I’m from more than anything.

So, thank goodness M I’m glad you’re okay. What a day!